Musings from an overworked translator

Showing the Gate to 2008 January 9, 2009

“Showing the Gate to 2008”
by Rob Kyff

The old year has passed, so now’s just the time
To lambaste its buzzwords and do so in rhyme.
With “downturns” and “crashes,” please call the cops!
And don’t even mention those defaulted “swaps.”

“Wall Street” trashed “Main Street,” we’re sorry to say,
But “bail outs” and “rescues” claimed, “Help’s on the way!”
The “drumbeat” of bad news was loud and so steady,
And projects to help us were deemed “shovel ready.”

When anchors told experts to just “walk us through it,”
They all said, “my sense is,” which had no grit to it.
They backtracked and wavered with “having said that,”
Till viewers had no idea where they were at.

The sports guys on cable were never in doubt,
When showing us highlights, they said, “Check this out!”
And weather folk felt they’d just never make sense
Without all their talking of snow-sleet “events.”

When these fell together, they knew they’d transfix
By hyping the dangers of cold “wintry mix.”
Describing the nighttime, just one term seemed right;
Without any question, ’twas “the overnight.”

They talked of “YOUR forecast” for “YOUR Saturday,”
Please pray to YOUR God, make this go away!
When newspaper readers wrote letters to papers,
They started their missives with two standard capers.

While “I read with interest” seemed mild enough,
“Let me get this straight” just sounded too gruff.
Yes, Deep Throat passed on, but Watergate’s slime
Still lingered when people said, “that point in time.”

“Efforting,” “footprint” — Have you had enough?
These phrases, we pleaded, “throw under the bus!”
Seeking “engagement,” we rallied “the base”;
“Way forward,” “proactive” all over the place.

We “blogged,” and we “twittered” on gadgets of gab
And sometimes we traded a feisty “fist jab.”
Obama, he started each sentence with “Look . . .”
While Palin’s “you betcha” swam like a chinook.

This mommy of hockey put “lipstick on pigs,”
And Fey nailed her hairdo, with no need for wigs.
We heard about “change,” and then met a comer:
An unabashed “maverick” named ol’ “Joe the Plumber.”

Obama said, “fired up, ready to go,”
With “Yes, we can!” “Yes, we did!” he stole the show.
The buzzwords of last year deserve no ovation,
From twenty-oh-eight, we demand a “staycation.”

========

Rob Kyff, a teacher and writer in West Hartford, Conn., invites your language sightings. Send your reports of misuse and abuse, as well as examples of good writing, via e-mail to Wordguy@aol.com or by regular mail to Rob Kyff, Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Rob Kyff and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

TGIF: Santa Claus and His Old Lady December 27, 2008

I know Christmas is over, but the local radio station is still playing Christmas songs and this was on tonight as I was driving home from the Akron Christkindlmarkt. It is without a doubt my favorite Christmas story. It wasn’t Christmas in our house without listening to this classic Cheech and Chong bit about “Santa Claus and his Old Lady.” This comedy routine was featured on the album “Where There’s Smoke.” Now my parents are and were not by any means ‘tokers’ (smokers of marijuana), but they found this comedy routine hilarious and shared their humor with my sister and me. When we were little we simply didn’t get the drug references. It never gets old for me.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Cheech and Chong, the comedy duo of Richard “Cheech” Marin and Tommy Chong was popular in the 1970s and 80s. Their standup routines revolved around hippie speak and the drug culture. Tommy Chong later starred in “That 70s Show” playing a drugged out ex-hippie, but in real life he is quite well-educated. Chong’s California-based company, Chong’s Bongs, was raided by federal officials in 2003 as part of a federal crackdown on “drug-related paraphernalia” and Chong was sentenced to nine months in federal prison as a result. Cheech Marin distanced himself from drug-inspired comedy in the mid to late 80s and went on to star in “Nash Bridges.” He recently appeared in a reality show called “Celebrity Duets,” which is the only reality show I watched religiously. The two are rumored to be planning a comeback together.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this little clip. The video is just pictures of them since it originates from an album.

Hanukkah song December 22, 2008

Hanukkah (Chanukah) started at sundown last night. Hanukkah is an eight-day Jewish holiday that marks the re-dedication of the Temple in Jerusalem after its desecration by the enemy and commemorates the “miracle of the container of oil.” According to the Talmud, at the re-dedication following the victory of the Maccabees over the Seleucid Empire, there was only enough consecrated olive oil to fuel the eternal flame in the Temple for one day. Miraculously, the oil burned for eight days, which was the length of time it took to press, prepare and consecrate fresh olive oil. (Info quoted from Wikipedia)

I live in an area that is heavily Jewish, so it’s kind of neat to see Hanukkah flags and Christmas lights on different houses. When I was younger Hanukkah wasn’t that big a deal. It was a minor holiday on the Jewish calendar. My Jewish friends would complain about getting socks and underwear as Hanukkah gifts but, as the Plain Dealer reported in How Hanukkah has become hip, that all changed when Adam Sandler performed his Hanukkah song on Saturday Night Live in 1994. So in honor of Hanukkah, I would like to introduce my readers overseas to a young Adam Sandler. Most of you probably only know him from his goofy movies.

Susanne asked me to post this link to Phoebe singing Happy Hanukkah to Monica on Friends.

My favorite Christmas episode December 22, 2008

I was watching TV last night, which was a treat because I don’t usually find time to do that. I even fell asleep on the couch! It was bliss… Anyway, one of my favorite TV shows from my childhood, WKRP in Cincinnati, was on WGN, and it happened to be my all-time favorite Christmas episode of any TV series I’ve ever watched. It was “retro night,” which made me feel old, but I realized that, even though it was thirty years ago, the humor still translated. WKRP was about a struggling radio station in Cincinnati, Ohio and had a bunch of fun characters in it, Johnny Fever the drugged out DJ, Venus Flytrap the smooth black DJ, Herb the smarmy ad salesman, Les Nessman the geeky and clueless newsman, Andy the programming director, Bailey the shy news assistant, Jennifer the hot secretary, and Mr. Carlson the bumbling but big-hearted radio station manager. Anyway, the premise of the Christmas episode was that everyone thought Jennifer, who was always super classy and had lots of rich admirers, would be alone for the holidays and so they all came over separately to surprise her on Christmas Eve. Hilarity ensued. Part 3 is my favorite part, but I have included all three parts in case you want to see the whole episode. Part 3 has a little foreign language, some hilarity, and lots of heart. I hope you find it as funny as I do.

If you want to see the episode from the beginning here are part 1:

and part 2:

But, as I said, my favorite part is part 3:

Merry Christmas, everyone!

TGIF: My present for the ladies December 19, 2008

I stumbled on this video while searching on Youtube for the phrase “Frohe Weihnachten.” I wish I could get a present like this this year. 🙂 This guy cracks me up. Just a little somethin’ for the ladies… Merry Christmas!

TGIF: Banned commercial December 19, 2008

Do not click on this if you are one of those sensitive types. This video has crude language, but it is funny and the language is crucial to the video. It’s message is the importance of learning English. Enjoy!

TGIF: Mobile phones of the future December 12, 2008

This little clip is a fun Swedish skit about modern inventions in mobile phone technology. The comedy does not suffer despite the language barrier. Enjoy, and I hope you all have a great weekend!

A Maxine Christmas Story December 10, 2008

I don’t know about you all, but I could use a little levity at the moment. It’s been a rough couple of days. I’m still arguing over the word count with my client, but I finally went over my PM’s head and got someone looking into the problem who is familiar with the interface and immediately recognized the likely problem. This is the first time I’ve ever done something like that, but I wasn’t going to take a 10,000 word discrepancy lying down.

My mother sent me this this morning, which cheered me up. Hope it provides a chuckle for you as well. Maxine is one of my favorite Hallmark Cards characters. She’s crabby and cranky – and absolutely hilarious. She even has her own blog, called Hot Flash Central! I’m going to go add it to my feed reader right now… Enjoy!

Twas the night before Christmas

And All through the house…
Not a creature was stirring Since the cat ate the mouse.

My support hose were hung By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas And just left them there.)

My dog, Floyd, was nestled All snug in his bed,
After watching the cat rip The presents to shreds.

And I in my long johns And ratty night cap
Had just settled my butt For a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn There arose such a clatter,
I swore at the window, “What the (blank) is the matter?”

I tore open the window, Not a second to tarry,
All ready to throw The noisemaker a berry.

A bright moon was lighting The new-fallen snow…
And I had a moon of my own Set to show.

Floyd was beside me, Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer Hitched up to a sleigh…

And a little old driver So cheery and quick,
I thought for a moment That I would be sick.

Like a bat out of…you know, His reindeer they came,
And I whistled and shouted And called them some names–

“Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface! Hey, Weiner and Turkey !
Yo, Klutzy and Mangy And Venison Jerky!

Stay off of my porch! Get away from my wall!
Now hit the road, hit the road, Hit the road, all!”

But as pedestrians before My old Buick, they fly
And head for high ground With great fear in their eyes,

So up to my rooftop The fleabags they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys And old Fruitcake Breath too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
Holes in my new shingles Made by each tiny hoof.

As I reached for my slingshot And a marble as well,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas Tumbled and fell.

He had a huge sack of Cheap junk on his back
And I whispered to Floyd, “Be prepared to attack.”

His eyes they were squinting, His toy bag was draggin’,
And I felt for a moment Like I’d soon be gaggin’.

He was dressed all in red. With a bell on his hat.
And a belt of black leather To hold back the fat.

A billowing pipe He clenched tight in his smile,
And the smell was like something Had been dead for awhile.

He had a broad face And a little round belly
That shook when I nailed him With a handful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, Well, actually porky,
And I laughed when I tripped him (He looked pretty dorky).

He was like a beached whale Unable to budge.
And he tasted good, too, If the dog was a judge.

I spoke not a word But went straight to my work–
A noogie, a wedgie, A cry of “You jerk!”

Until laying a finger Aside of his nose,
With a loud cry of “Uncle!” Up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to the sleigh And dragged in the toys,
Then he cried to the reindeer, “Get me out of here, Boys!”

And I had to exclaim As a slushball I tossed,
“Happy Christmas to all, And to all a Get Lost!”

But then, as I turned, I saw ‘neath the tree
Two gaily wrapped presents– One for Floyd, one for me.

A big bag of jerky Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
While for me was a pair Of brand-new bunny slippers.

I looked out the window, And hovering there,
Old Santa was winking From his sleigh in midair…

“Merry Christmas, Maxine!” He cried, full of cheer.
“Same to you, Pal!” I answered, “I’ll get you next year!”

TGIF: Fry & Laurie on Language December 5, 2008

Sorry about not getting this video up sooner. It’s been crazy here today. Here’s an old Fry & Laurie clip for you to enjoy. I’ve loved Hugh Laurie before he became House. I first saw him on Black Adder. If you’re only familiar with him on House I think you’ll be surprised how zany some of his characters are. Enjoy!